


It should have been us.

by JulietRose



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Don't fucking read this if you want to die, Gen, Mature rating because I don't want kids to read this, Mildly Graphic Death?, Or teens, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Y'all worry me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:14:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23039917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JulietRose/pseuds/JulietRose
Summary: Dear Connor Murphy,It should have been us.
Relationships: Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy, implied Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy - Relationship
Comments: 10
Kudos: 71





	It should have been us.

_I guess I wanted to believe. Because if I just believe then I don't have to see what's really there._ _I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts—pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am. Because then I don't have to look at it. And no one gets to look at it._ _No, no one can really see_ _I never let them see the worst of me. Because what if everyone saw? What if everyone knew? Would they like what they saw or would they hate it too?_ _Will I just keep on running away from what's true?_ _All I ever do is run—_

Evan was typing furiously, tears running down his face as his hands shook.

“Evan, stop,” the Ghost of Connor Murphy spoke from the corner of his room.

Evan sucked in a gasping breath and shook his head. “You said. You said you aren’t broken anymore.”

“I lied.” It came out too quickly.

Evan shook his head desperately. “No, no you didn’t! Because why would you? You don’t have to lie! You’re dead!” He stood up, pacing around the room, gesturing wildly with his arms as his knuckles turned white around the sleeves of the hoodie.

“Evan, just, take your medicine,” Connor begged him, starting to pick up the pill bottle before remembering that he couldn’t. Evan snatched it off the nightstand, and Connor realized his mistake. “Wait! No!”

Evan was already going back to his laptop. “I’m not gonna mess up this time,” he said. “You’d still be alive if I had just got it right the first time. But I can’t do _anything_ right—”

“That’s not true!” Connor ran his hands through his hair. “Evan! Please! Stop! This wasn’t supposed to happen! I just wanted to help! I didn’t mean for it to go this far!”

“It was always supposed to end like this,” Evan answered. His voice was hollow. Determined. He looked up at Connor with wide, glassy eyes.

Connor put down his last card. “What about Zoe?” 

Evan shook his head. “It was never about her,” he said, and with that he turned back to his laptop and deleted everything he’d written and replaced it simply:

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_It should have been us._

_Sincerely, Me_

Then he emptied the full pill bottle into his hand and shoved them in his mouth. Connor tried to stop him from grabbing the water bottle, but his hand passed through it uselessly. They made eye contact as Evan swallowed.

“Evan,” Connor sobbed, “please.”

Evan’s stomach already hurt. His pulse was slowing down and there was a ringing in his ears. “I won’t be broken anymore,” he whispered, and then fell to the floor.

Connor kneeled beside him, wanting to make him sit up, but not being able to touch him. “Evan, Evan, I’m so sorry,” he cried. “This is all my fault.”

Evan blinked tiredly. He could feel the bile rising, and he hoped he died before he could choke on his own vomit. “Not your fault,” he slurred, feeling consciousness start to slip away. “It’ll be us now.”

Connor let out a broken noise and it was the last thing Evan heard before everything else slipped away.

  
  


A year later, Zoe sits at the edge of the Connor Murphy & Evan Hansen Memorial Orchard, notebook open in front of her. She speaks out loud, allowing the steady flow of her thoughts to move through her hand and past her lips.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a good day and here’s why. Because even if it’s not, even if everything goes wrong and it’s just an objectively bad day... I’ll still survive it. And then there’s always tomorrow. And maybe tomorrow will be better. I can’t know until I get there, right?_

_I wish I had told you that. And Connor. There’s so many things I wish I had told both of you. Maybe that’s why I keep writing these letters. Maybe that’s why I keep coming back here._

_I always picture you and Connor here. Even though I know... Obviously. Well, I mean, I like to think maybe you’re together now, at least. Maybe you found each other in the end after all._

Evan and Connor appear behind her, far across the field. They might be ghosts. They might not be there at all. Whatever they are, they’re together. Zoe doesn’t see them though.

_Sometimes I think I’m still waiting to be found. But I know what I’m really waiting for is to find myself. Hey, who knows? Maybe I will tomorrow. There’s always tomorrow._

_But this is today. And it’s so beautiful here... I wish you could have seen it._

She looks up, takes a deep breath, the music swells. 

_[All I see is sky, for forever...]_

**Author's Note:**

> I have a feeling that "Words Fail" was meant to be Evan's suicide note. And in some original draft it was followed by "In the Bedroom Down the Hall" in which Cynthia's solo at the end is with Heidi. Then it got scraped for a #EvanLives ending and thus was born "So Big/So Small" and the Evan-led Finale, so that the ending wouldn't be low-key idealizing suicide. But I like sad endings? At least when they make sense. And I think it does for this show. Plus the general sentiment of "you will be found" has been really fucking me up lately because TBH I think most people aren't altruistic enough to help people with mental illness. And it's more important that you can help yourself than just kinda... standing around hoping someone will notice that you're actually drowning. Anyway, Evan was off his meds and putting all his hope on Zoe and his only friend was a ghost of a dead kid that he may or may not have made up as a coping mechanism. He'd already attempted at least once before. There is absolutely no fucking way he went through "Good For You" and "Words Fail" and then didn't kill himself because his mom was like "lol remember when your dad left you?" Also, making the Dear Evan Hansen letters a way for Zoe to cope with her grief like beautifully ties back to the title of the show and turns what had been a shitty therapy assignment that resulted in suicide and lies into something that actually helps. And Evan gets to keep helping Zoe in a way. Which is nice.
> 
> And that's the tea.


End file.
